Hello, dear readers, and welcome!
Today is New Year's Eve (for me; it may already be New Year's day for you - congrats!), and in celebration of this year, I wanted to write a special post thanking my readers.
This has been a crazy, insane, more than somewhat chaotic year for me, and I want to thank you, readers, for sticking by me through it. Most of you probably have no idea what this year has been like for me, as I don't normally write about personal things, but it has been very, very rough, especially the last six months.
I've had Depression since I was a teenager, when things were also extremely difficult, and I know that a lot of people deal with it. For a while, I was mostly okay, but something this year triggered it, and it came back worse than ever. They say you can't really describe Depression in a way that fits, and I agree. There were days I felt down, days I felt like I couldn't breathe, days when I wanted to burst into tears (and I'm not a crier), and days when I literally could not get out of bed. The keyboard stared at me, but I couldn't do anything with it. I knew I was someone, but I couldn't remember who. Life had come to a jarring halt, and it hurt -- it hurt worse than I can ever say.
But, I learned things. I kept a journal. I overcame, and now I feel much stronger for it. There are still days that are bad, but after a while, I decided that I had had enough; I didn't want to live like this any longer. I think we all get to that point, and I applaud anyone who fights the battle I fought, or who fights any battle at all.
I remember that day, when I decided that I had had enough. I was at my second job, minding a kitchen, and that was the day I literally could not breathe, could not shake the awful gloom. I felt as though I might drown in my tears. My co-worker asked: "Are you alright?", and I knew that was the moment that I was done; I was so, so done.
I think we are bred, almost, to answer "yes" to that question. Yes, everything is alright. No, nothing is wrong. But if there's anything I learned this year, it's that it's okay to not be okay; there's a song somewhere that says the same thing. It's okay not to know what to do next, but it's not okay to stop fighting to find out.
In case there's anyone else dealing with the same, I just want to encourage you: don't give up, and don't give in. It gets better, it really does. We have to have faith that things will improve, because they will, but at the same time, we can't simply sit and wait for them to get better; we have to be proactive, because faith takes action. Everything takes time, but no matter what the pain, it's worth working through to be the best people that we can be. We cannot control everything, but we can control what we do, and how much we strive to meet our own visions and destinies.
If you're not dealing with the same, I promise I didn't write this to make you feel bad. I genuinely am very, very thankful for everyone's support this year -- for all of your lovely comments, reviews, and fun conversations. You are part of what kept me going on, and I thank you for that.
I can look at the keyboard again. I can type. I can smile for real, and I can deal with whatever ugly trials come my way. I have climbed a mountain, and the hills are not so difficult anymore. A New Year is coming, and for the first time in my life, I am genuinely excited to meet it. I am determined to make this year, this life, everything that I can.
Thank you, readers. Stay strong in your New Year, and persevere. See you in 2014!
Some songs I've found inspirational. I don't own any of these.